I've been slacking on this blog thing, mostly because I never felt the need to post. But there's so much going on now that I really need to just kinda let it out. If you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know that I lost my best friend almost 5 years ago. Going on from day to day now is just as hard as it was then, but I've never let it show. You could look at me and think that nothing is wrong. I won't let it show. A few years ago, it got really bad. I still hid everything, but I was borderline suicidal. I didn't know any way to keep going on without the pain and I wanted to end it all, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Something was telling me not to, and obviously I didn't. I was in a terrible terrible depression, and I needed to do something to fix that. Things got better for a while. I didn't have to hide things on a daily basis. It was such a good feeling.

Last night, my parents said something that really upset me, and when I get upset, I have a tendency to think about everything else in my life that's not so pleasant, and I was brought back to 5 years ago. Things weren't any different last night than they were a few years ago, only this time, suicide definitely was not an option. I was in a lot of emotional pain, and it did show, and I'm really angry that it did. I don't want people involved in my problems. That's what pushes them away because really, that's all my life is, problems. But when they show, it's extremely hard to stray away from them. I don't want stuff like this in my life to get in the way of the few friendships I have left. To you guys who I do have, I'm sorry if stuff like this bothers you. Just imagine how it makes me feel. I really do care about all of you and I wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt you, make you mad, push you away. You get the point. I love you all. I just hope you understand...if this even made any sense.

basically

i'm a failure
i'm not happy
i'm not too fond of life