I've been slacking on this blog thing, mostly because I never felt the need to post. But there's so much going on now that I really need to just kinda let it out. If you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know that I lost my best friend almost 5 years ago. Going on from day to day now is just as hard as it was then, but I've never let it show. You could look at me and think that nothing is wrong. I won't let it show. A few years ago, it got really bad. I still hid everything, but I was borderline suicidal. I didn't know any way to keep going on without the pain and I wanted to end it all, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Something was telling me not to, and obviously I didn't. I was in a terrible terrible depression, and I needed to do something to fix that. Things got better for a while. I didn't have to hide things on a daily basis. It was such a good feeling.

Last night, my parents said something that really upset me, and when I get upset, I have a tendency to think about everything else in my life that's not so pleasant, and I was brought back to 5 years ago. Things weren't any different last night than they were a few years ago, only this time, suicide definitely was not an option. I was in a lot of emotional pain, and it did show, and I'm really angry that it did. I don't want people involved in my problems. That's what pushes them away because really, that's all my life is, problems. But when they show, it's extremely hard to stray away from them. I don't want stuff like this in my life to get in the way of the few friendships I have left. To you guys who I do have, I'm sorry if stuff like this bothers you. Just imagine how it makes me feel. I really do care about all of you and I wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt you, make you mad, push you away. You get the point. I love you all. I just hope you understand...if this even made any sense.

basically

i'm a failure
i'm not happy
i'm not too fond of life

Four years, four months, fourteen days.

Isn't it supposed to get easier?

I wake up in the middle of the night probably 3 nights of the week

almost in tears, but i hold them back.

I try to be strong about the whole situation.

I know there is nothing wrong with crying.

I do it enough.

I just miss her so much.

I miss all the random, crazy things we used to do together.

I'll never have that anymore.

I'll never get to do the things WE used to do together

because there is no more WE.

I hate having to go through each day

with this lonely feeling

like nothing is meant to be.

I pray every night

that this will somehow get easier to deal with

but it hasn't.

Christmas is coming up.

I'm going down to the cemetary

and I plan on spending at least an hour there

talking to her about the past

OUR past.

It'll be tough for me,

but it's definitely something i need to do.

I'll always miss her.

Nothing will ever bring her back to me

but I wish that was different.

I can't wait for the day that we are together again

although I don't know when that will be.

I don't want to sound selfish,

but I hope it is soon.

I hope he got what he deserved.

The last 4 years of my life have been nothing but nightmares

because of him.

My best friend is gone at age 15.

She shouldn't have gone

but he had to be a sick sick person

and take her from me.

Do you know how hard it is

to watch your best friend die

when you're only 15?

I love you Sara. You'll always be in my heart.

Dearest Sara,
It's been 4 years and almost 3 months. It hasn't been easy. None of it.

Watching the psycho go after you. Watching him do all those terrible things to you. Watching him take your life. It wasn't supposed to happen.

You were supposed to live the greatest life one could ever live. You were supposed to be here, spreading the word of God to those who may not know. You were supposed to grow up, have a great family, tons of friends, and just be you. But he never gave you that chance.

I'll always remember the times that I'd come visit my family and you were there. I'll always remember the times we spent together, acting like idiots. I'll always remember the way you lived for God, like nothing else mattered in the world. I'll always remember how caring you were when all I needed was just someone who would listen. I'd always do the same for you.

Do you remember the time when we went down to the lake, and I fell into the water? Do you remember how I pulled you in too? Do you remember all the great times we spent together doing normal teenage girl activities: shopping, movies, etc?

I wish I could take it all back. I wish we could spend more time together. I wish that we could both live long happy lives.

Had I known it would be over so soon, I wouldn't have left the house. And I know you wouldn't have either because when we were together, we were inseparable. Had I known this would happen, we would have walked one block farther.

I'd give anything to take it back. I'd give anything to be in your place. I'd give anything to have you here with me.

But it'll never happen. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to take your place, and it's selfish for me to want that. We'll never get to spend all of our weekends together. We'll never get to have the fun we used to have.

It's so hard losing your best friend. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It hasn't gotten easier. I just hide it. No one ever understands what I went through. No one ever knew you. If they had, they'd realize why it's so hard.

I'd give ANYTHING to take it back.

"Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. After all this time, you're still with me it's true" - Lonestar

I miss you and love you so much,
Amy

So maybe this'll turn into a once a month deal

I've been feeling terrible, unloved, unwanted, etc... I have been for a while. All summer actually and now here in college it's become even worse. I had a great boyfriend. I come to school and it all fell apart. Those four months, I thought I was truly happy, but something would always come up and change EVERYTHING. Since I've been in college, I've put up a wall around myself that I'm not too sure I want to break down. I'm not letting anyone in. I have made no new friends, and sometimes I think it's because I'm afraid of rejection. I've lost a lot of friends. I don't want that to happen again, so I don't make new ones. This causes me to be lonely and want to make friends and it's just one big circle. I hate it. I've been led to believe that I wasn't meant to be happy. I'll just live with that because there really isn't anything else I can do about it. I can put myself out there, but I'm too shy and too afraid that people won't accept me. After all, I am a minority here. I don't drink and party. Should I start, to make friends? I don't think I should have to do that. I just wish people would accept me for who I am...the shy, lonely person that I am. People just don't see that. Some people can see when there is something wrong with me, but do they bother to help? It doesn't matter though, because I don't want anyone's help. I don't need anybody. I just want to be loved. I want to find someone who will love me for me. Someone who I will fall absolutely head over heels for. Someone who will make the rest of the world seem nonexistant. I guess if I'm waiting for that, I probably shouldn't hold my breath or I'll be dead before it comes.

So as for right now, I'm not going to look for friends, because I fail everytime. If people are seriously interested in becoming friends with me, they can come to me. Same with boyfriends. I'm not looking anymore. I'm done crushing. I know this is college. Time to experiment, but I don't want to experiment. I just want to find the right guy. Is it really that hard?

Anyways, I'm done complaining. Sorry I wasted your time. Don't waste anymore commenting because honestly I probably won't even take into consideration anything you have to say to me.

time for a much needed update

well i'm in school now. things are looking up. i'm happy. i love it here. its nice just going home every once in a while instead of being there and leaving every once in a while. i don't really know what to put because other than school...not much has been happening. going to see the rocket summer and the academy is tomorrow. can't wait. it's gonna be so much fun. anyways, i think thats all for now. i'll write when i have more time.

Oh man

I'm getting annoyed with life right now. My family is driving me up the wall. The one thing I get to do besides work and watch Christian is go to concerts. I live for concerts. I get my hopes up. They are the one thing I look forward to, and my parents don't like me going to them. What do they care? I am 19. I can do what I want. It's my money I spend. It's my time I waste. I'd rather be at a show than cleaning the house I don't mess up. Thanks to my love for concerts, my dad pretty much hates me. That's okay though. I'm fine with that.