Four years, four months, fourteen days.

Isn't it supposed to get easier?

I wake up in the middle of the night probably 3 nights of the week

almost in tears, but i hold them back.

I try to be strong about the whole situation.

I know there is nothing wrong with crying.

I do it enough.

I just miss her so much.

I miss all the random, crazy things we used to do together.

I'll never have that anymore.

I'll never get to do the things WE used to do together

because there is no more WE.

I hate having to go through each day

with this lonely feeling

like nothing is meant to be.

I pray every night

that this will somehow get easier to deal with

but it hasn't.

Christmas is coming up.

I'm going down to the cemetary

and I plan on spending at least an hour there

talking to her about the past

OUR past.

It'll be tough for me,

but it's definitely something i need to do.

I'll always miss her.

Nothing will ever bring her back to me

but I wish that was different.

I can't wait for the day that we are together again

although I don't know when that will be.

I don't want to sound selfish,

but I hope it is soon.

I hope he got what he deserved.

The last 4 years of my life have been nothing but nightmares

because of him.

My best friend is gone at age 15.

She shouldn't have gone

but he had to be a sick sick person

and take her from me.

Do you know how hard it is

to watch your best friend die

when you're only 15?

I love you Sara. You'll always be in my heart.

Dearest Sara,
It's been 4 years and almost 3 months. It hasn't been easy. None of it.

Watching the psycho go after you. Watching him do all those terrible things to you. Watching him take your life. It wasn't supposed to happen.

You were supposed to live the greatest life one could ever live. You were supposed to be here, spreading the word of God to those who may not know. You were supposed to grow up, have a great family, tons of friends, and just be you. But he never gave you that chance.

I'll always remember the times that I'd come visit my family and you were there. I'll always remember the times we spent together, acting like idiots. I'll always remember the way you lived for God, like nothing else mattered in the world. I'll always remember how caring you were when all I needed was just someone who would listen. I'd always do the same for you.

Do you remember the time when we went down to the lake, and I fell into the water? Do you remember how I pulled you in too? Do you remember all the great times we spent together doing normal teenage girl activities: shopping, movies, etc?

I wish I could take it all back. I wish we could spend more time together. I wish that we could both live long happy lives.

Had I known it would be over so soon, I wouldn't have left the house. And I know you wouldn't have either because when we were together, we were inseparable. Had I known this would happen, we would have walked one block farther.

I'd give anything to take it back. I'd give anything to be in your place. I'd give anything to have you here with me.

But it'll never happen. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to take your place, and it's selfish for me to want that. We'll never get to spend all of our weekends together. We'll never get to have the fun we used to have.

It's so hard losing your best friend. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It hasn't gotten easier. I just hide it. No one ever understands what I went through. No one ever knew you. If they had, they'd realize why it's so hard.

I'd give ANYTHING to take it back.

"Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. After all this time, you're still with me it's true" - Lonestar

I miss you and love you so much,
Amy

So maybe this'll turn into a once a month deal

I've been feeling terrible, unloved, unwanted, etc... I have been for a while. All summer actually and now here in college it's become even worse. I had a great boyfriend. I come to school and it all fell apart. Those four months, I thought I was truly happy, but something would always come up and change EVERYTHING. Since I've been in college, I've put up a wall around myself that I'm not too sure I want to break down. I'm not letting anyone in. I have made no new friends, and sometimes I think it's because I'm afraid of rejection. I've lost a lot of friends. I don't want that to happen again, so I don't make new ones. This causes me to be lonely and want to make friends and it's just one big circle. I hate it. I've been led to believe that I wasn't meant to be happy. I'll just live with that because there really isn't anything else I can do about it. I can put myself out there, but I'm too shy and too afraid that people won't accept me. After all, I am a minority here. I don't drink and party. Should I start, to make friends? I don't think I should have to do that. I just wish people would accept me for who I am...the shy, lonely person that I am. People just don't see that. Some people can see when there is something wrong with me, but do they bother to help? It doesn't matter though, because I don't want anyone's help. I don't need anybody. I just want to be loved. I want to find someone who will love me for me. Someone who I will fall absolutely head over heels for. Someone who will make the rest of the world seem nonexistant. I guess if I'm waiting for that, I probably shouldn't hold my breath or I'll be dead before it comes.

So as for right now, I'm not going to look for friends, because I fail everytime. If people are seriously interested in becoming friends with me, they can come to me. Same with boyfriends. I'm not looking anymore. I'm done crushing. I know this is college. Time to experiment, but I don't want to experiment. I just want to find the right guy. Is it really that hard?

Anyways, I'm done complaining. Sorry I wasted your time. Don't waste anymore commenting because honestly I probably won't even take into consideration anything you have to say to me.

time for a much needed update

well i'm in school now. things are looking up. i'm happy. i love it here. its nice just going home every once in a while instead of being there and leaving every once in a while. i don't really know what to put because other than school...not much has been happening. going to see the rocket summer and the academy is tomorrow. can't wait. it's gonna be so much fun. anyways, i think thats all for now. i'll write when i have more time.

Oh man

I'm getting annoyed with life right now. My family is driving me up the wall. The one thing I get to do besides work and watch Christian is go to concerts. I live for concerts. I get my hopes up. They are the one thing I look forward to, and my parents don't like me going to them. What do they care? I am 19. I can do what I want. It's my money I spend. It's my time I waste. I'd rather be at a show than cleaning the house I don't mess up. Thanks to my love for concerts, my dad pretty much hates me. That's okay though. I'm fine with that.

For just one day

I'd like to have a break. If I'm not working, I'm watching Christian. I worked probably about 40 hours last week. I saw Brian on my birthday and didn't get to see him again until yesterday and I don't know if I'll see him until next Sunday. I don't like only being able to see him once a week. I wish things could change. We'll see. He's going to come visit me a lot in school. He said like twice a week. I can't wait. It'll be so cool. That's all for now. I'm going back to my TV show. Greek is amazing.

Currently

Currently listening to: Around The Clock - The Rocket Summer
Currently eating: Animal Crackers
Currently drinking: Vault
Currently conversing with: Brian
Currently wanting: Brian here
Currently dreading: work tomorrow

So I worked a good ten or so hours today. It was not fun. Breakfast wasn't too bad. It was a buffet and we just had to clear dishes. It went smoothly. Then we got a 2 and a half hour break, so I went to Starbucks and hung out then went home for an hour before Jamie was going to pick me up so I could "clean" but of course, that never happened. So then I went back to work and all the trouble began right there. It was pure chaos. I was behind the whole night. There were too many people. It was so hot, so crowded, so hectic. I wanted to turn in my bowtie, gloves and cumberbund and quit right there. Then I find out that I have to stay late on Saturday. When we work weddings, there are always two people who stay late while everyone gets to go home. Of course, you get paid for the extra hours, but it's so boring. It used to be, we'd just volunteer to stay, but now they are scheduling people. Jamie and I got picked for this week. It really stinks. Plus tomorrow we have a double shift...like 8 hours probably and I have to work Friday too. Needless to say, the hours will be flowing in and I will have a nice paycheck. That's good because I have three bills, three concerts, and college supplies that I have to pay for. Oh boy. I need to get working on college stuff. So tomorrow is the day my family comes home. I have to admit that I really enjoyed having all this time to myself. It would have been better if I could have spent more of it with Brian, but not all things go my way. Go figure. Tonight I have to clean since I didn't manage to do any yesterday or today. It has to get done before work tomorrow or my parents will yell at me, and I don't want that. I should probably get working on that. Brian is going to be calling me in like ten minutes anyways. I can't wait to hear his voice.

It's been slightly over three hours

since my last post, but I'm in a posting mood. I'm hoping this one is more useful than the last one. It's ten after midnight right now as I'm typing this. I should be in bed considering I have to work in about 6 and a half hours. I'm not tired though. Instead I'm doing one of the most dangerous things ever...thinking. Thinking about a lot of things. Usually when I think this hard, I end up in tears, but not today. I've got it good right now. I am going to be upset when my family comes home because I've been enjoying this time away from them so much. I needed it. I'm getting a lot of hours at work which is good because I have college I have to pay for. Ha...that's a joke. I have absolutely no idea how I will be paying for that, but I will figure something out. I usually do. I leave in one month and 7 days. I have my dorm assignment. I got a single. No roommate for me. Couldn't be happier. I have my classes. A full workload...18 credits. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I have class from 8 till 12. Three classes. Tuesdays I have class from 11 till 12 and 2 till 3:20 and 4 till 5:50. Thursdays I have class from 2 till 3:20 and 4 till 5:50. I'm gonna be one busy girl. I can't wait though. Umm I can't think of anything else to say really. I should probably hit the sheets. work in 6 hours and 15 minutes. I'm gonna be pretty crabby.

The first of many

So as you can see, this is my new blog, but I'm definitely not new to the blogging world. I tend to blog a lot when I have free time, which lately isn't much, but I thought I'd get back into the blogging world. I wonder if anyone reads this. Anyways, life as of now isn't too bad. I'm home alone. Have been for the past three day and I couldn't enjoy it more. Unfortunately my family will be returning on Thursday. So much for my fun. I just celebrated my 19th birthday on Sunday. I worked on Monday and made $40 in tips. It was amazing. I think that's really all I have to say for the moment. Feel free to leave a comment. I'll hopefully find some more useful topics to blog about.